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a2z micromarketing

Could you use a truly talented and experienced copywriter and creative marketer...

Alan Zoldan

A2Z MicroMarketing
20 Tammy Road
Wesley Hills, NY 10977

TELEPHONE NUMBER
(845) 362-8445

FAX NUMBER
(845) 290-1300

EMAIL ADDRESS
alzoldan@aol.com

a2z micromarketing

Just for Fun

100+ of My Original Twitter Quips


follow me on Twitter @AlanZoldan


Scratch the surface of any copywriter, and you'll probably find some other kind of writer as well. Me, I'm a wanna-be comedy writer. I have no desire to do standup
I just like coming up with quips, riddles and wry or just plain absurd observations.
So I've adapted Twitter for my own fiendish purposes, using it and its famous
140-character limit to all 36 of my fawning followers.

Sure, Lady Gaga has over 11 MILLION Facebook fans - but I'm targeting a far more discriminating and oh-so-select audience - such as you. So please feel free to browse through some of the flotsam - and the even more hilarious jetsam - of my admittedly far from normal mind. Should you find any of my material offensive or in poor taste, please hit the CALL SECURITY button, and you'll be escorted to the nearest exit by my friendly but firm cyberbots.

And, if you're actually looking for that CALL SECURITY button, please do us both
a favor, and bypass this section entirely. Being humor-challenged certainly isn't
very funny and doesn't necessarily make you a bad, gloomy, or mean person.

 

Vuvuzelas. Do I even have to make the joke?

 

I ordered some Zen bumper stickers -- but none of them would attach.

 

Overrated syntax is.

 

The sign on the store asked if I needed an extra pair. I did -- but they were only selling glasses.

 

I went to a concert of a well known Grateful Dead cover band and, just like the old days, they were selling drugs in the bathroom -- Flomax.

 

My wife and I have nothing to say to each other -- but we don't talk about it.

17 Caught in Search for Ariz. Deputy's Attackers, the AP reports. Which is good
news -- because I only shot the sheriff.

 

The other day I think I had a near-life experience.

 

Sure I'd be happy to provide some innovative thinking on this project. What are the guidelines?


Yesterday was 420 day, but ummmm, I forgot.

 

Paranoid people should all sign up for Twitter. That way their fear that they're always being followed would be more reality-based.

 

I try to keep an open mind, but too much extraneous shit keeps falling in.

 

They stole my identity, but I'm so full of self-loathing that I'm paying them to keep it.

 

I'm thinking about having my spirit animal put to sleep.

 

When you get a million followers on Twitter, do you, like, get to stage a coup or anything?

 

A penny for my thoughts -- do I look like a friggin' WalMart?

 

I've been eating Value Meals for years, and my net worth is still the same.

 

I just told my Garmin where to go -- it was sooooooo cathartic!

 

Great name for a takeout noodles joint: Pasta la Vista

 

"When you change your mind, I'll let you know," the psychic told me.

 

Damn it, the NY Post beat me to it: TIGER IS A CHEETAH!

 

My idea for a Zen billboard: IF YOU WERE PRESENT, YOU'D BE HERE NOW.

 

I think that most Israel-bashers are sincerely committed to a two-state
solution - so long as neither of those two states are Israel.

 

In 2010, YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge into a time-wasting
mega-site known as YouTwitFace.

 

I really do believe in making sacrifices, it's just that I prefer to start with others.

 

Sad, but true: I DON'T "know the drill."

 

I always want to race my car thru a large pile of leaves -- but I never do -
because I'm worried some Wile E. Coyote fool has hidden an anvil.

 

Is it so wrong to despise an innocent little kid just because his name is Jordan?

 

Don't blame me -- I voted for Jesus.

 

I got fired for being a mattress tester because I wasn't very laid back.

 

Whatever else you may say about me, I have never disrespected the Bing.

 

You know what would be really cool? A compact version of the iPad.


No -- wait -- they already have that.

 

What's my favorite app, you ask? [sound of microphone being disconnected] We're done here!

 

I live with a hypochondriac -- and it's enough to make you sick.

 

My problem with Good Friday: bad day for Jesus, great day for Christianity.
A little hard to reconcile . . .

 

I have just one thing to say to 24's Jack Bauer: damn it, you're running out of time!

 

So I organized a census help day at my local library. We called it "Come to Your Census."

 

The Democratic Party just sent me an email titled "what you're doing is working." Just goes to show how out of touch they really are.

 

In the news: World's Shortest Man Dies at Age 21. His life was just too damn short.

 

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.

 

I'm in a "same sex" marriage -- and I'm heterosexual.

 

Can you get a restraining order against your old school? NYU just doesn't stop with the fundraising calls!

 

Impotence -- nature's way of saying no hard feelings.

 

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

 

Former NYC mayor Ed Koch says that he wants to be buried in Manhattan -- after he's dead, of course.

 

If at first you don't succeed -- so much for skydiving.

 

One of the hardest things in life: getting rid of a broken recycling bin.

 

COMING SOON: "The Idiot Who Invented Channuka" -- the village fool
seriously miscalculates how long his just-found vial of oil will burn.

 

Once, just for a second, I thought I saw a subliminal advertising executive.

 

Reality TV show idea #24: So, You'd Like to Boink My Wife.

 

Reality TV show idea #23: So, you think you can projectile vomit.

 

Have YOU seen my glasses?


I've noticed that it's hard to have a meaningful dialog when one or both parties are using a megaphone.

 

A real-life delete key would come in handy in so many ways.

 

God believes in atheists -- it's the agnostics He's unsure about.

 

If not now, then soon. And if not soon, then we never eat at this restaurant again.

 

Say little, but move your hands a lot.

 

The world is built on three things. And they have back trouble you should never know about.

 

People who say "too much information" often suffer from "too little capacity."

 

Never hold a grudge against others -- unless, of course, you don't like them

 

Life guidelines: Avoid excessive moderation. Strive to be a thorn to your community.

And always have exact change for trolls.

 

What if my true purpose in life is to serve as a tragic example to others?

 

A GNC store poster shows an assortment of colorful pills being left as a snack for

Santa. Now we know what all the HO HO HO is about.

 

Slogan for the Colonic Lovers of America: We're less full of shit!

 

If it weren't for the economy, I wouldn't be getting fucked at all.

 

Picked up "gently used" confetti from the Yankees parade to give to a
friend. Ah, the life of a downtrodden Mets fan.

 

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

Shouldn't some smartass Internet company be licensing the Tweetybird logo?

 

I thawt I thaw thum marketing potential!

 

So I ordered some Tiger Woods instructional videos today -- but, you know, not about golf.

 

Need to discreetly pleasure yourself? There's an app for that -- the iCame.

 

I think I'm at the Hail Mary point in my life, so lately I've been wondering: how many timeouts do I have left?

 

I went to see The Nutcracker for the holidays. It's kind of good to see that mom's toxic energy hasn't lost a beat.


A Long Island guy who had been trapped in a cesspool was released from the hospital yesterday. My guess: he was still feeling pretty shitty.

 

I just spied a bunch of Salvation Army soldiers chowing down at McDonalds. So, THAT'S where all the money goes!

 

Headline they should use to announce the demise of Twitter: The Trill is Gone!

 

I'm going to change my name to William Tyler Frye -- so my initials can be WTF.

 

Great promotion idea for the producers of Circumcise This: 10% off gets you 10% off!

 

If I knew a girl named Alice and gave her a chalice, I bet I could write a pretty cool song.

 

I don't know what you call it if you mix Viagra with scotch, but I bet that's one stiff drink.

 

I often stand up and cheer for "home runs" that are just long fly outs. That's right --

 

I'm a premature gesticulater.

 

They found him in his bedroom, stiff as a board -- another tragic Viagra overdose.

 

What if I'm in my Beige Period, and I don't even know it?

 

There is a woman in England with two vaginas, two uteruses and, apparently, two periods. Shouldn't that be called a colon?

 

I did pretty good in my Introduction to Symbolism class. I got an @.

 

They told me to get help. I am now holding help hostage.

 

People who party like it's 1999 are so passé.

 

They told me to get help. I am now holding help hostage.

 

New social networking site for lawyers: Casebook.

 

Schizophrenic Taxi Driver: am I talking to you?

 

My friend's roommate took it upon himself to throw out all the Halloween
candy. Just one more example of how our society is doomed.

 

If you get caught stealing "Help for Kleptomaniacs," shouldn't you like,
get a pass?

 

Craigslist ad: I want to write a book about my weight loss.
Me: I want to vomit.

 

I'm starting a new social networking site for graffiti artists: Defacebook.


You know how cell phones get tossed or smashed because the bad guys are using them as tracking devices? Why not just remove the battery?

 

They say that gold loves bad news. OK gold, here goes: lately, I've been seeing platinum on the side.

 

My wife says we don't communicate enough, but she's wrong -- I e-mail her all the time.

 

How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares?

 

How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Funny you should ask!

 

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny!

 

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Ten -- one to do it, and nine

friends to call and discuss it.

 

My life goal was to live off the residuals from my being a child sitcom star in the eighties. And, unfortunately, I had no backup.

 

It's good to have goals -- but not stupid ones like yours.

 

I no longer text, I just Ouija board -- I find that I meet much more interesting entities.

 

Negativity Life Lesson #5: When I was four and bouncing off walls, my mom said, "You're laughing now, but in two minutes you'll be crying."

 

Each night I ask the stars up above: why can't I be a teenager in love?

 

Working at home, I always look forward to my solo holiday party, where I often wind up in a dark corner taking advantage of myself.

 

The NY Post had a write a funny headline contest. The picture: five NYC rabbis crouching with guns. My headline: GO AHEAD, MAKE MY SHABBES!

 

Isn't it way past time for Twenty-Mule-Team Borax's brand to be updated?

 

Job and the whirlwind -- was that a blowjob of cosmic proportions?

 

Bumper Sticker for Ironic Slackers: [INSERT CLEVER SLOGAN HERE]

 

Bumper Sticker: I'd rather be tailgating you.

 

Stop asking me what i want to be when I grow up. At this point in my life, I really can't plan much past Halloween.

 

I'm not drinking anymore -- nor am I drinking any less.


The problem with going to my "happy space" is that it never gets any cell phone reception.

 

My doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. "Why?" I asked. "Well, for one thing, I'm trying to examine you."

 

"Twittering is for the birds!" a famous ornithologist exclaimed today.

 

Q: Are you willing to take a drug test? A: Sure. What kind of drugs do I get to test?

 

How do I handle change? I usually put it in a small box on my dresser.

 

Between Twitter, Facebook, and my blog, I'm having a lot of trouble keeping up with myself.

 

Waiter to a table of snooty "woman who lunch": Good afternoon ladies. Is there ANYTHING right?

 

We don't have slavery anymore in the U.S. We have interns.

 

Bumper Sticker: My other car was repossessed.

 

The other day my wife said she wanted to see rockets and stars in the bedroom -- so

I rented Apollo 13.

 

If you're lactose-intolerant, does that make you a milkist?

 

How many co-dependents does it take to change a lightbulb? None -- if the lightbulb really loved me, it would change itself.

 

When my daughter was 10, she was sure that there was only one thing that boys really wanted: PlayStations.

 

After 5 or 6 years, aren't they mostly all "same sex" marriages?

 

If you text only to members of your gender, does that make you a homotextual?

 

I'm working on a script about conjoined twins. I guess you could say I'm attached to the project.

 

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